Friday 26 September 2014

The day I learnt to breathe


Learning to breath again. It sounds ridiculous I know, because we arrive here in a breath. And this breath of ours keeps us alive. But somehow, someway, and at some point I stopped breathing fully. Instead I engaged in a lively, rushed, frantic, stressed (but I wouldn't have admitted that to you at the time) out-of-control, desperately-seeking-control manner that became everyday life. And although I loved so many aspects of this life, it was messy. The stress part was messy, the rushing that kept me in a move-on-to-the-next-thing-without-taking-a-breath pattern was messiest. And that rushing meant I never really slowed enough to just be and connect with the inner me, never stopped to just breathe. So so far from the me I am today. Yet I remember so well how she felt. It hurts to feel like she did, but in a numb kind of way. 

And it feels like one day abruptly it all ended. But it wasn't really one day, not at all. It was a mammoth crescendo that started with my body falling apart (in so many ways: back aches and spasms, a breast tumour then an auto-immune disease to be more precise) and the end (which was kind of the start of change) was an 80km/hr head-on car crash. That's the part I want to talk about, because that's when I learnt to breathe again. 

It was eight years ago now. I was the passenger, my husband was driving. A car pulled out from the t-intersection four metres in front of us. He hit the brakes but there was no time to stop. I was looking at him on impact and if I hadn't been the doctors said my injuries would be a lot worse. I normally always cross my legs in the car too, and I remember noticing how straight I was sitting and upright minutes before the crash - I remember thinking how good my body felt sitting so still and straight and wondering why I didn't always sit like this. Later the doctors asked if I was sitting perfectly straight, because to not break bones was almost impossible.

My injuries were minimal soft-tissue ones, scratches and cuts - the airbag saved me yet did most of the damage. My face swelled an extra half its size and was covered in cuts, blood and bruising - as was my chest. I just remember noticing all the blood, pouring out my nose, tasting it in my mouth and knowing I needed an ambulance. It was me who called the ambulance, moments later interrupted by a man asking what I was doing, then promptly telling me to rest because he could make the call. I thought he was awfully rude, I was in control and could surely make the call myself! And the minute that thought entered my head I realised there was no control to be had here, and surrender was necessary. All at once I let go, all at once I felt my body relax in trust - that I would be cared for, that someone else had the situation and that would be okay. There was no rushing to be done, just waiting and breathing. Breathing was really all I could do. And breathing was all I needed to do.

As we arrived at the hospital I found myself alone lying on a trolley in a neck brace and panic set in. My breathing got shaky and became too fast. I tried to look around for someone, for help, but the white ceiling was all I got. 

Then a hand on mine. Just breathe, she said. It's all you have to do. You can help your body and mind with your breath too - you can manipulate your breath. Breathe deeper, all the way in. And slowly release. Just breathe. Slow your breath down, so all of you slows down....

She was an ambulance officer and I so wish I could remember her name. In those moments of reminding me to breathe, she changed everything for me. I wanted to get to know my breath. I wanted to just breathe. And just be. Breathwork became a part of my everyday. It still is. It's a big part of the meditation I practice and it reminds me always of the beauty, wonder and healing that can happen in a solo breath.

xx

Do you remind yourself to "just breathe" each day?



>> Want to be the first to receive my free mindfulness prints and the "breathe" meditation eBook I'm currently writing? I can't wait to send them your way. You can sign up for them here. <<   

19 comments:

  1. I feel like I'm holding my breath all the time now, I'm always rushing, never stopping to focus on what's happening right now. My mind is always racing. This is such a powerful story, what an awful experience but so lucky that you had that amazing ambulance officer there. They truly are angels.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even a minute of just breathing each day makes such a difference for me. You're right - they really are angels, a blessing x

      Delete
  2. Honestly I was hardly breathing reading this hon. So glad you came out of the crash as well as you did and that you were reminded to breathe. Lots of love to you xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, Elisa, I had no idea about your health issues, or the car crash. Your ambulance officer was someone special, a guardian angel, maybe?

    Thank you for sharing your story. Breathing, I have recently incorporated a morning breathing meditation and can't believe how wonderful it has been, and what a difference it makes to my days. I also make sure to stop on our daily nature walk for a few deep breathes, those ones are my life line some days.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I think a guardian angel too - definitely meant to be there in that moment.

      My health is wonder-full now, but yes quite a journey I went on! A morning breath meditation is such a beautiful way to begin the day xx

      Delete
  4. Ambulance officers are like angels aren't they. I've been in two car crashes where I was rear ended both times in peak hour traffic and one was when I was pregnant. My blood pressure ended up sky rocketing and they took me to hospital to rull out pre-eclampsia (even though I was only 14 weeks). I remember having a similar freak out experience on the hospital bed, but it was during the ultrasound to check the baby was ok. The ultrasound tech was just silent not saying anything and I freaked out so much I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and the sweat running down my neck. She ended up being fine obviously and since she's arrived its definitely prompted me to slow down, live in the moment and breathe more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow! That was a really powerful post Elisa, thank you so much for sharing. I actually felt transported; lying on that trolley, staring at the white roof, just breathing. I definitely think I need to slow down, and just breathe. xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a terrifying experience for you. I too find I need to remind myself each day, to simply breathe, take things easy and to 'just be'.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! What a horrific accident to be in.
    How lovely of that ambulance worker to take the time to help you through an obviously confronting and stressful time for you. I hope everyone was okay

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think I hold my breath and don't take time to center myself way to often. Breathing can rejuvenate the mind and body beyond anything else. I must remember this mantra. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm a breath holder and I breathe funny anyway (my chest goes out when I breathe out - weirdo!), but I'm working on it. My yoga instructor is a beautiful gem. x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for sharing your story. Breathing does seem so important for health and recovery doesn't it?
    I love your sky shot & your reminder to just breathe:)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh I do - so much so that I have it tattooed on my wrist "just breathe" I found when panic attacks used to hit, it was literally the only thing that got me through. Saying over and over again 'Just breathe' xx

    ReplyDelete
  12. What an amazing paramedic to hold you and help you through that. Beautiful. It's so true, sometimes our breath is all we have x

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh what a thing to go through! So glad you weren't seriously injured, but how frightening.
    You know, breathing is SO HARD sometimes. I understood exactly what you meant by that rushed, stressed, breathless breathing.
    I realised once, that I couldn't sing without really breathing, so when I'm super stressed or feeling tight-chested, I sing!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks for sharing your story Elisa. I really need to focus more on my breathing when I'm feeling angry and stressed, usually I don't and I just get myself worked up, in a rage and out of breathe! I love your pic. Its a lovely reminder :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh, Elisa, your blog post has me in tears. Firstly, I can't believe that's eight years ago! Secondly, I am ashamed to admit that I have not been reading your blog for a while even though I know how much good it does me. I've rationalised it out - I haven't had time. Yet, today I was pulled back to find this lovely post, which was exactly what I needed to read. I am still there - I am aware I need to make this journey, but feel terrified about what it might reveal. I am clinging so desperately to the control that I crave but that seems to be slipping further and further away. Okay, I promise. Breathe. Breathe. (PS! Until writing breathe, I think I was holding my breath the entire time :S )

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that awful experience, Elisa. I know just how much that accident scarred you, and I'm not talking physically. It must be hard sharing that with us, but I want you to know that I'm proud of you for being strong enough to do so. I just hope that you are faring better these days. Take care always!

    Ann Taylor @ Hofmann Law Office

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your words and support. I'm so glad you stopped by xx